


I Don't Understand.

by Why_do_you_want_to_know



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Character Study (ish), Dean Winchester Has a Sexuality Crisis, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester Pines Over Castiel, Dean Winchester is Not Amused, Dean's thoughts about Cas, Gen, I don't know, I literally wrote this today, I need help, I'm Sorry, It's mainly thoughts, Pining, Pining Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester is a Good Bro, Why Did I Write This?, Worried Sam Winchester, author is projecting, being a good bro is not marvel only, but now you have this, excuse me tagging system, i think, it didn't work, to try to sort out my head, with his own head
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2021-01-14 23:36:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21242252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Why_do_you_want_to_know/pseuds/Why_do_you_want_to_know
Summary: Cas is just Dean's best friend... Isn't he? What Dean is feeling is friendship.... Isn't it?OrI'm confused so i wrote.





	I Don't Understand.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!!  
*glances at multiple unfinished and unposted WIP's awkwardly*  
Hope you enjoy this monster which is born of a mix of my own feelings and the fact I was feeling inspired..... I need to stop starting new fics...... yeah that's not happening......

Dean lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. When had everything gotten so complicated? He could vividly remember when everyone's greatest problems had been who could climb to the highest point in a tree, or who was your friend and who wasn't. It was so simple, you either liked them or you didn't and that was fairly clear because you either talked to them and went as partners with them and played at break and lunch with them, or you didn't.

Like-liking people was so much more complex.

Do I like them? Or are they just a good friend?  
Do I like them? Or do I just want to become friends?  
Do I like them? Or is my brain tricking me?

It was all so complicated.

Dean stared until the glow in the dark stars on his ceiling started to blur. The stars had been up there since Sammy was about 6 - he had been addicted to astronomy and Dean had just gone with it - and they had never gotten around to taking them down.

Like they always seemed to, his thoughts drifted to Cas. Sweet, understanding Cas. It had gotten to the point where Dean barely even trusted himself to daydream when he was bored, because at some point or another, Cas would always turn out to be his boyfriend. He wasn't allowed to daydream about that because it was never going to happen and he was just putting false hope in himself. He wasn't sure if he even like-liked him for goodness sake!

The problem was, Dean had known Cas for about 12 years now, he had been friendly to Cas for all of them, friends with him for about 7 of them and best friends for 5. So obviously he was close with Cas, very close with Cas. But it also meant he couldn't tell what he was feeling. Although it shocked people if they ever found out, he had never had a crush before. It wasn't something he thought was too shocking, but others seemed to disagree. Anyway, he didn't know what a crush felt like - he didn't know what being in love felt like either - but from what he had seen online and while talking to his friends, he loved Cas. Not that he would ever admit it aloud. To anyone. Ever.

The sound of footsteps coming up the stairs broke him out of his thoughts, he listened carefully, huh. Sam was home.

"Hey." Sam said, walking into their shared room and dropping his bags on the floor before pulling a book out and collapsing onto his own bed. Their mum had died when Dean was only four and when - after a few years - their dad was unable to cope, their dads best friend adopted them. Dean always knew that he could never make it up to Bobby, he had adopted his friends children - a 10 year old and a 6 year old - and had never complained, just opened his hear and his home to them. Dean loved it at Bobby's, he didn't care if he had to share a room with Sam, he felt safe here, safe in a way he had never felt with his dad.

"Hey." Dean replied but just for a moment he imagined saying something else, saying 'I think I have a crush' or 'I think I'm in love with someone.' and seeing what happened, but no. He would wait until after Christmas. He had figured out that he might, maybe like Cas, in October, and he had read something about crushes only lasting two months, so if he waited until after Christmas he would know well and truly if it was just a stupid crush, or something more. Ok, even Dean knew his logic was flawed, he didn't really care though. He was confused, he was questioning his sexuality, and he was never going to tell anyone who he liked, unless Cas liked him first.

And that was never going to happen because he wasn't in some badly written Wattpad book, this was real life and best friends didn't just fall in love.

Except his brain wouldn't accept that.

His brain kept on going back to all the times Cas would lean his head on Dean's shoulders, all the times Cas would lean into Dean as much as he was leaning into Cas. All the times he brought up their inside joke about being married - they were hyper and 14, don't ask - and all the times he would say something which would make Dean just pause and wonder.

He still wasn't entirely sure what it was he felt for Cas - yes he knew he was a mess, can we please go on - sure, he always went to stand next to him, and liked it when they were touching - innocent stuff like shoulders brushing or bouncing against each other when they walked side by side - but he was also 90% sure he was ace, especially once he heard what some people he knew had been up to. So was this love, or just a best friend thing? And would Cas ever date an asexual anyway? Half the time Dean was sure his brain was just tricking him, making feelings up and giving them the wrong labels, but this was his brain, not school, it had no reason - and probably no way - to trick him.

Why couldn't he just trust his instincts?

Because he knew if he did that, his heart would just be broken.

Cas was his best friend, he wasn't allowed to fall in love with his best friend. It was just his brain getting confused between friends and love. The fact he regularly imagined them as boyfriend's now, and had never done it before, meant nothing. The fact that the very thought of Cas going out with anyone else broke his heart, meant nothing. The fact he had never felt like this ever before, meant nothing. The fact that when Cas went away for a weekend and didn't have any WIFI so they couldn't chat, and Dean had spent the entire time missing him and waiting for him to get back, meant nothing. Cas was his best friend, that was all.

"You ok?" Sam asked suddenly. He sounded slightly concerned and was watching Dean, like he expected Dean to just spill everything that was wrong. Dean just blinked. He had forgotten that Sam had been in the room. 

"Yeah." He said, it sounded fake to his own ears. He coughed once, hoping to cover up his odd voice as just a blocked throat, "I'm fine." He said again, this time it sounded more genuine.

Sam looked at him sceptically for a bit longer, before turning back to his book. Dean sat there for a moment, thinking about the fact that his mind could be full of all this turmoil, but Sam couldn't read minds, so he didn't suspect a thing. Sam had no idea that he was falling for his best friend, had no idea what ran through Dean's head. Dean flipped back onto his back, staring at the ceiling, at the stars, and wondering if he would ever figure it out.

Did he love Cas?

He couldn't imagine loving anyone else, but he also couldn't imagine Cas loving him, stuff like that was reserved for books.

Dean didn't live in a book. He wasn’t that lucky.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!!  
If you did please leave a comment!! They really do mean the world to me!! And remind me why I write!!


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